We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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