You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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