Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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