My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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