I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize