i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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