my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
