cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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