Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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