My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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