the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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