So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
