Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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