If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
