By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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