we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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