Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
