Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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