no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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