i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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