The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
