I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
