Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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