im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
