I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
