***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
