this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
