i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
