someone threw a dead crab at me
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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