Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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