there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
