I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
