Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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