I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
