I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
