her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
