dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
