I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
