it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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