dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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