I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
