This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
