life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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