Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
whose ass print is on the piano?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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