Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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