I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
