I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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