I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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