Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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