Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
