I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize