The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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