well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
