I wanna passion pit in your ass
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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