my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
why do cheetos always look like penises
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
