After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
