I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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