The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
